I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
