I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
