please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
