and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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