My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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