I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
