Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well I just put wine in my tea
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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