Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
