I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
