My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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