i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
