I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
