It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
