The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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