I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
