the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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