i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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