You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
