you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
