the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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