I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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