my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
