dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
