I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
