I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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