I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
