Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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