dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
