wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
