Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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