I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
