just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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