Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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