Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
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He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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