This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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