I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
