I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
