Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she woke up with a sticky ear
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
