One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
