Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
