3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
