Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am spending my child support on dildos
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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