Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
