At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
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