dude i'm inner monologue high
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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