dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
