Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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