There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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