I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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