so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
