he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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