my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
