how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
