it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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