Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
