They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
