oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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