I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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