**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
