I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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