never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
