is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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